The rain never stops drumming on my ceiling. A full blown Atlantic gale rages constantly overhead, filtering the air I breath; while outside beyond the window, is parallel universe with calm blue skies.

Annie Horsley had her transplant a year ago. She described to me how she would wake in the night and scrawl down an idea in the dark and then wait until morning to see what was decipherable. Her words came echoing back to me at 4 am this morning as I scrawled. I thought ‘how typical of Annie’.

Each day I take another step down into this dark and narrowing stairway. I could turn back; but in 4 days from now I will reach the bottom and take one step forward, as the walking dead. A door will close behind me and there will be no return. This other amazing spirit will be infused into me and give new life and then forward and upwards I will go, along the dark tunnel, groping towards an unknown and distant glimmer.

This morning I was definitely ahead of the game; no headache and blood pressure acceptable for 6.30 am. In the intervening peace I managed to exercise. The ‘form’ was much more focused today but I only got 3/4 of the way through it before being interrupted for infusions in my line. I tried to pick up from where I had been and it went well, so did the whole thing again. This time without being stopped. I was aware of my body odour; the chemo must be oozing from me. I showered and was ready for breakfast before eight.

Last night I spent a frustrating hour trying to check my ‘pay-as-u-go’ internet balance but it requires registration with Vodaphone. That was mission impossible. Tried again this morning... same problem; maybe it’s at their end. Yet another faceless and remote organization. I would have liked to have spoken with someone but ‘due to a high volumes of calls, all our operators are busy’. Tried sending an e-mail but ‘Error: The page you are trying to access is not available. Please contact the administrator for more details’ came up. And so it goes....round and round. Meanwhile they carry on oblivious, happy in the knowledge that they are running an efficient and profitable business. There’s a rant for you.... and don’t get me started on Enron and British Gas !!

So if I disappear ‘off the radar’ it may just be that I’ve been eaten by a megalosaurus or abducted by an alien spacecraft.

ps. I managed on third attempt this afternoon but not without a bit of jiggery-pokery